How to Successfully Share Your New Boundaries with Others.
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If you’re new to boundary-setting, you’ll probably spend a lot of time thinking about boundaries before you speak them. And your boundary work may be accompanied by other deep changes in your life. You may truly feel different. More invigorated. More empowered. More peaceful. You may have great clarity on how you want to engage with others. But how do you share these changes, your boundaries, with others? Stick around, that’s what we are covering in this month’s blog!
Boundaries are guidelines that let people know what our limits are so that we can interact with each other safely. Boundaries invite us to be honest about our needs and communicate them with others. They are an essential part of every healthy relationship, including the relationship we have with ourselves. Boundaries aren’t reserved for some people; we all can and should strive to set healthy limits in each area of our lives.
As you begin to think about setting boundaries and caring for yourself in this new way, excitement may arise. The idea of these changes may also bring on fear - How will others receive my boundaries? How will they receive ME? Will they still like me?
Working through these unknowns is courageous and necessary. I want to provide you with a couple of strategies to consider as you ponder how you will share your new boundaries with others. These strategies, and tips that follow, may be effective depending on your relationship dynamics, your personality, your preferences, etc.
Proactively share your boundaries with others.
When people in your life are accustomed to you behaving in one way and then you suddenly respond another way, this can bring up confusion, uncertainty, and yield a path for misunderstanding. If you anticipate showing up to an established relationship differently, you will want to consider informing them of such changes. This could look like: At your next natural gathering with trusted friends, when it’s your turn to check-in, and if it feels right, you may share that you’ve been working on some positive changes in your life. You can explain, briefly, what some of those changes are.
You may consider a similar approach with family members, such as your parents. (I will dedicate a full blog post to navigating boundaries with family later this fall.)
You can share in ways that express your excitement. Depending on your relationship, you can even garner their support and validation as you enter into this new chapter. Chances are, they may already have witnessed some of your growth. They may have questions, comments or feedback for you at this time.
2. Wait and share your boundaries as needed.
Another way to introduce your boundaries would simply be to wait, and as things come up in your life you can share your limits and what you may need. This might feel more comfortable and natural for many of you, and for some this actually might feel quite frightening.
‘So, I’m just going to wait for my boundary to be crossed’?
Not at all. If there is a conversation that feels urgent to you, a recent situation you need to tend to, by all means please do!
Imperative to know here is that there is more to boundary work than waiting to correct people who cross your boundaries. Your work may include expressing your ideas in meetings at work, or being more intentional about asserting your needs in your relationships. It could also mean carving out non-negotiable time during your week that’s just for you; the opportunities to express healthy boundaries will be endless.
Chances are that you may settle on some combination of these two strategies (or find another!). There may be a trusted friend that you feel comfortable communicating with about your new boundaries. Perhaps you may even choose to use them as a sounding board or seek their feedback. And then, of course, as boundary issues come up you can address them individually.
Photo by Mimi Thian on Unsplash
How others may receive your boundaries?
Some people in your life will be overjoyed for you and your personal growth and may think ‘This has been a long time coming. I’m really happy for you’, and will eagerly await opportunities to honor your boundaries. They may want to celebrate with a special toast for you. (Yes, this can happen!)
There may also be those on the receiving end experiencing your growth or your boundaries who feel threatened, unsure, afraid and silently question - Are you going to be different? How will this impact our relationship? How will this impact ME? Some may be cautiously curious, others may become angry at your setting boundaries. They may criticize you, withdraw from the relationship, exclude you or become passive aggressive in response to your attempts to set boundaries. Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. calls these countermoves or changeback behaviors. These can be helpful to know and anticipate so that you are best prepared to handle them should they arise.
Tips on sharing your boundaries with others.
People are dynamic and sometimes unpredictable. Here are a few additional tips and strategies to consider when expressing your boundaries to others:
Share with excitement. For the most part, those closest to you will want to see you achieving balance and success in this part of your life. Your excitement can help mitigate some of their fears if they have them.
Share the impact of the change/boundary (if known). It can be helpful to be proactive and honest about what these changes may look like. What can they expect from you? Answer this as honestly as you can in that moment.
Start small. Your laundry list of things that have bothered you over the years may be overwhelming for someone else to hear at once. Others are likely to take your list personally, feel criticized and find it difficult to take in. Start small and with a boundary you feel you might be most successful at (this will be good for you and them).
Provide clarity and reassurance. If you’re not attempting to end the relationship it would be good to share this. If it feels right for you, you may share some of your goals briefly.
Consider whether you’re willing to answer some questions. You may be asked ‘why’? Or ‘what brought this on’? Are you willing to answer those questions? If so, what will you say? Is there a limit on what you will share? (Some context is often helpful where there is an existing relationship.)
Have empathy. Changes don’t just impact you, they impact those around you, more than you may consider initially. They may express concern or sadness, even, over something they anticipate losing in this process. Continue forward with compassion and empathy as those around you navigate your new world, your new you.
Be patient. We may not get the response we anticipate from others when we express boundaries. Often people will come around as their fears are minimized through their experiences with you. Others may reject this new version of you and long for the other. In time you will have a better picture of what things look like for you and who will choose to remain in your life.
Final Thoughts.
Communicating your boundaries can be intimidating and overwhelming, especially when you’ve had longstanding patterns of placing others’ needs before your own.
It may be wise to seek support and counsel from trusted people in your life (therapist, life coach, wise good friends). Ultimately you get to decide how you will share your boundaries with others.
Be sure to do what truly feels most aligned for you as you will walk the miles in your shoes.
Rooting for you (and me) on our boundaries journey!
xo,Erin
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