Healthy Boundaries in Friendship: 12 Things You Should Know
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Friendships, like any other relationship, need healthy boundaries. Boundaries help us explore and navigate our relationships safely. They define our limits, and can keep us out of resentment and into a healthy balance in our friendships.
Friendship can be one of the most misconstrued relationship statuses. In a culture of hugs and kisses, even among those we dislike, friendship lines can get blurry, which makes boundaries in friendship quite important.
There is an unspoken pressure to connect and find deep meaning in every interaction. After a few meetings we hear others saying “hey, best friend”, or “that’s my girl”, in reference to their new “friend”.
The expectation of fast, deep connections can make us vulnerable to disappointment, even heartbreak. And, in reality, these connections might be missing some of the qualities that we would typically be looking for in our friendships.
There’s a difference between knowing someone and having a friendship. True friendship provides a sense of community, validation and safety. We also gain trust, understanding, social and emotional support through these relationships.
As you define boundaries in your friendships, there are 12 things you need to know:
1. There are varying levels of friendship.
There will be people in our lives with whom we share significant time and space, perhaps through work, or some other affiliation, but whom you may not share interests, values or a great deal of trust with. There are others with whom you share great trust. When you are down, they support you; when you have good news they are overjoyed for you. You share time, not simply out of convenience but out of choice. How you engage in these friendships will likely look very different.
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2. Not every one of your friends will have the same access to you.
Think of a physical embrace. Your partner, for example, may lay their head on your shoulder when the two of you exchange a hug. This kind of contact may even feel okay for a close friend; however, this may not feel appropriate for some of your other relationships. As you think about the different boundary areas this same idea may apply. What you share with or lend to others won’t be the same depending on the level of friendship that you have.
3. What we expect of others should be appropriate to the relationship.
What you anticipate from or share with your closer or longer term friends may be unreasonable or inappropriate to share with someone you have a newer relationship with. For example, you wouldn’t ask someone with whom you don’t have an established relationship or whom you don’t view as an authority in the area, to listen to the details of something very personal that you may be going through. Similarly, you are not likely to call this person in a time of need.
4. Relationships take time.
Relationships of all levels take time to develop. It’s also true that we just “click” with certain people and they feel safe to us. Sometimes we bond quickly around shared experiences, especially experiences that involve intense emotion. It’s still wise to reserve some things for when some level of trust has been established. Relationships that begin quickly can also end quickly, which may leave you feeling vulnerable if you have shared a lot of information quickly. A boundary statement may sound like, “I love that question. I’m not quite ready to share that. I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”
5. Friendships need maintenance.
Like any relationship, friendships, particularly close friendships, need to be maintained. Acknowledging friends who take the time to listen to you, and who are there for you, goes a long way. These acknowledgements not only allow your friends to see how much you value them but also allow you to be clear on their value as well. Friends don’t show up in our lives to get a pat on the back but we all appreciate knowing our value. Acknowledgement and appreciation might sound like, “Thank you for being there for me yesterday. It means the world to me to have you in my life. I appreciate your friendship”.
6. Our friends won’t always be there for us.
Even your most kind-hearted friend won’t have the capacity to be there for you in every situation. If your friend is attuned to their boundaries and practicing self-care, anticipate that there will be moments where they simply don’t have capacity to support you in the way that you might need. A boundary statement could sound like, “You are important to me and I want to support you. I am feeling overwhelmed today and I don’t feel like I am in a good place to listen. I will call you tomorrow to check in on you”. We should expect our friends to take care of themselves and we shouldn’t attempt to make them feel guilty for doing so.
7. It’s okay to need time to yourself.
While our friendships provide incredible value in our lives, sometimes we need time to ourselves. Introverts, in particular, may need a little bit more time to themselves if they’ve experienced a lot of social stimulation, no matter the source. Where there are friendship norms, and you anticipate behavior outside of the norm, communicate. For example, if you and your friend normally talk everyday and you’ll be less available for a period of time, it is wise to share that. This may look like, “I’m going to be off the grid a bit this week. Taking some time for self-care. I may be a little bit less responsive this week on text, etc. Love you, friend, and I’ll connect with you on Monday”.
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8. Dynamics can change within friendships.
Spending quality time with your friend may have once allowed you to share things about your life more freely. As time passes and life unfolds, intimacy in friendships can change. It may take more time to share what came naturally before. It’s okay to experience a shift back and then forward again as you feel more comfortable. A boundary statement here may sound like “It’s been so long since we’ve connected. I want to spend some time catching up first. Then let’s both see how we feel about jumping into some deeper topics”.
9. Some friendships have seasons.
You have likely heard the adage, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. There are some relationships that simply don’t work outside of the context in which the friendship was formed. For example, you may develop a friendship with a colleague at work. When they leave the organization, you find it quite difficult to maintain the relationship, even with good effort. When this happens, there can be a tendency to want to diminish the friendship or vilify the other person because we are conditioned to believe that good things are supposed to last. Not always. The value or meaning of that friendship isn’t reduced because the season of the friendship has ended.
10. Mistakes will happen in friendships.
Boundary violations can occur in our friendships; often in error. There may be something that you hold in high regard in your relationships that isn’t quite as important to your friend. You may be in need of a specific kind of support you don’t feel you are getting. There may be a boundary that you didn’t even know was needed that becomes apparent. It’s unfair to expect your friends to read your mind. It’s best to communicate with them when you have a need or when a line has been crossed. This may sound like, “I was upset yesterday when you shared with the others in the group about my medical status. I know we are all friends, but I don’t share everything with everyone. Please don’t share things that I share with you, with others”. You may use my Quick Guide to Setting Everyday Boundaries to aid you in this.
11. Maintain confidence in your relationships.
When someone shares something with you and you agree to keep it in confidence, there is no expiration date on that agreement. If you said you won’t share, don’t. If it feels confidential but you are unsure, ask for permission to share. If it involves another friend, encourage them to deal with each other directly. This may sound like, “As you know ____ is also one of my friends. I think it’s better if you talk to ____ directly”. When friendships end, or you become angry with someone, what you agreed to keep in confidence remains intact. That is not a license to go back and share all of their personal business. That is a red flag. If you see this, you can expect this may happen to you.
12. Friendships end.
We are dynamic human beings. We can expect that we will change over the span of our relationships with others. As we grow, our standards may change; what we desire in our relationships changes. We may find ourselves on different playing fields than our friends; not better, just different. At times we may need to separate ourselves from certain friends, and even end relationships, in order to experience our full growth. This is self care. It can be painful to end friendships, especially longer-term relationships; however, these endings don’t have to be messy. You may need support as you prepare to end a long-term friendship. A conversation to end a friendship may include something like, “I appreciate the time we have spent together. I will cherish the time. I realize my needs are no longer being met in the relationship and I’m going to take some time away from it” (or need to end it altogether).
The bottom line.
In a world of blurred friendship lines, boundaries can help you define relationships and keep them in balance by letting others know how where the limits are.
Like all relationships, dynamics in friendships can change. Embrace the changes as we often do experience growth with our friends. When friendships do end, we can hold the time spent in high regard, forever.
Rooting for you (and me) in our friendships,
Dr. Erin
