by Dr. Erin Charlens

2020 introduced much of the world to a new noun: BOUNDARIES. And the pandemic provided many with a crash course in it. The problem is it skipped over the introduction and dropped us off over at the “challenges in boundary setting” chapter.

My family life was full and sometimes hectic pre-pandemic. And then, like many of you, I found myself quarantined at my new office headquarters (home), crisis schooling (homeschooling without adequate training or resources) my 3 children, running a 16-hour, on-demand cafe, while closely monitoring and carefully navigating the direction of a very dynamic pandemic. 

Just like that I had new coworkers and supervisors “on the job”. In fact, they never left the office. None of us did, except for necessities. (Shout out to all of the workers who braved the pandemic to ensure we had household, and other, essentials.)

There were 5 of us now home needing prime time access to WiFi to engage in 5 distinct daily zooms with a total of 2 laptops, 0 desks, and insufficient internet speed at home.

We scurried to buy and borrow what we could to make things work.

My husband and I, both educators, worked long hours alongside our colleagues to transition our courses and department services so that they could be offered remotely.

Our distinct lives and identities were converging at the same time, under the same roof. 

My pandemic marriage quickly began to resemble my honeymoon. Not the super lovey part. I mean, there was definitely some of that. I’m talking about the anxiety and anticipation of spending countless, uninterrupted, inseparable days together (our resort was largely deserted due to a recent hurricane.) Like our honeymoon, we watched the world on television behind closed doors.

And then there was the palpable, discernible racial unrest that swept this nation following the murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and George Floyd.

As a Black educator I was called upon to speak to and contextualize the racial environment of 2020. I co-facilitated professional development trainings on how to understand and employ equity; provided safe, healing spaces for students, planned community events, all while going through my own process of sense-making and healing. 

Outside I was cool, handling my business, checking in on my students and loved ones (that’s my superpower). Inside I was dealing with bouts of anger, vulnerability and feelings of powerlessness.

I was experiencing trauma while navigating life from a place of utter exhaustion.

With little regard for myself, I kept going. And going. And going.

My tank was empty. 

I grew OVERWHELMED. 

Overwhelm is often an invitation to review our boundaries.

What are Boundaries?

A boundary is a line that helps us understand the personal limits of our relationships; where someone or something begins and ends. Boundaries are everywhere. They help us delineate personal and group responsibilities in our workplace. They mark property ownership and communicate what speed is allowable on the highway. Our favorite sporting events employ boundaries to keep the game fair and the athletes safe.

In her book Rising Strong (2015) Brené Brown defined boundaries as “our lists of what’s okay and what’s not okay”. In other words, boundaries are our personal limits that, when communicated, help our relationships feel honest, respectful and safe. Boundaries also help ensure that our needs are met and aid us in preserving what we value - whether it be personal belongings, time, intimacy, rest, etc.

Boundaries help us to manage expectations, both of ourselves and others.

I accepted the invitation to review my boundaries. 

And it appears that I was in good company. Year after year, “How to Set Boundaries with Family” spikes on Google Trends as a keyword search. When? You guessed it -  around the year-end holidays.  However, that keyword phrase peaked uncharacteristically as we quarantined in early 2020 and then again in summer 2020 as the pandemic carried on. 

No real surprises here.

There are countless boundary areas, although many fall into one of six categories:

To endure the most challenging periods of the pandemic, I adapted and managed my emotional, physical and time boundaries specifically and I’ll be sticking to those 3 for this blog. 

Don’t fret, I’ll address the others in a series of blog posts headed to the inbox of my boundaries community soon. It’ll be worth the wait! 

Let’s dive in.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries involve our personal limits and capacity with regard to:

• Our feelings and respecting the feelings of others

• Engaging in discussions about sensitive topics 

• Taking in sensitive information through television and social media

• Tending to others’ emotional needs

• Our energy and respecting the energy of those around us 

Television airways were hectic with news of the virus and the racial unrest in this nation. They were at the very center of every communication with friends and family.

I was conflicted between the need to stay informed and the need to step away to care for my increasing anxiety. I thought to myself, how can I remain socially conscious and do both? 

While I quarantined in isolation from friends and extended family, I also experienced a sense of deep community. 

Here’s what happened:

After several weeks of overwhelm and exhaustion, I took a weekend to pause and listen to my inner wisdom. I disconnected from the television and limited social media. I meditated. I prayed. And I found virtual mentorship through the work of EbonyJanice and Thea Monyeé, two Black healers whom I decided to study earnestly. They poured into my soul and validated my existence. 

The time spent was transformative. 

With renewed energy and self-granted permission, I made self-care a priority. 

I connected with a group of Black women religiously on zoom. (We had individual friendships pre-pandemic, but deepened our collective connection during this time.) 

We fostered a book club-meets church-meets happy hour kinda vibe. While discussions surrounding the climate of 2020 were on the agenda, we were intentional about soul food and allowed for the conversation to shift wherever it needed to go.

We affirmed our experiences, and each other as women. 

There was laughter.

And tears.

We gave ourselves permission to feel and experience it all. 

The intentional time and focus on my emotional capacity, combined with self and community care renewed my spirit and created the capacity, once again, to hold space for others (a necessary and important part of my work).

Time Boundaries

Time boundaries help us create healthy limits with regard to our engagement with our career, family, friends, etc. One of the ways we honor our time boundaries is by creating time and space time to meet all of our needs, including rest and self care. 

Time boundaries are essential in maintaining a sense of overall balance and are a form of self-respect. 

Consistently working far beyond the hours we are compensated for, arriving late for meetings, pushing conversations to the limit when someone is short on time may all be examples of unhealthy time boundaries.

Pre-pandemic, I kept a “system” and schedule that allowed me to maximize productivity most days, while keeping a fairly healthy balance of work, family, friendships and self-care - all of which I value deeply.

With the collapse of work and home under one roof, greater productivity became the expectation and also my reality. With little else to do, I rolled out of bed and immediately on to my cell phone first thing in the morning to address my email. Up in the middle of the night? Email.

Work related phone calls and text messages were consistently arriving late into the night, as were requests for virtual meetings after hours and I was responding to them.

Not only was I navigating my schedule, but also balancing it with the schedules of the other people in my household. 

While it’s reasonable that the unplanned pandemic forced many of us into work overdrive, my lifelong people pleasing tendencies were lurking and I was committing to much more than I could manage. 

Focused reflection prompted me to make some modifications to my time boundaries. Some of these weren’t so easy: 

I said NO to requests from executive management (trust me this was hard to do) and prioritized self-care. My Zoom exercise classes were non-negotiable and became a part of my daily ritual. 

I enacted the Do Not Disturb (DND) feature on my phone during the late evening hours so I could be intentional about time with family. 

I experimented with batching work tasks to better manage my workflow. What this looked like is instead of trying to squeeze in any and everything that came up in the day, I created windows of time in my week where I prioritized specific tasks, i.e. budget and finance related items took place on Thursday afternoons. (Probably something I should’ve done long ago but, hey, I’m an INFP-T.)

Honoring time boundaries meant that I circled back with those contacting me about work-related issues at ungodly hours. (There were some 11pm violators, as well as a 2:30am violator! Sigh.) I kindly asked that they do a “time check” before contacting me via cell phone about work-related items and requested that they use email instead.

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries are limits that we place with regard to proximity to us, touch and our attention to our need to rest, eat, sleep, etc.

Physical boundaries, like the others, are personal and don’t require the approval of others. 

Healthy physical boundaries may include asking someone who is standing too close for your comfort to back up. Placing your hand out to create space between someone who is coming in to greet you with a hug is also an example of a physical boundary; although unspoken, it may still be recognized as a boundary. 

Taking time to rest when tired is a sign of a healthy physical boundary. 

Some physical boundaries are easier to name than others and some violations may be nuanced. 

While access to most people was greatly reduced during the pandemic my awareness of physical boundaries was heightened. 

I’ll admit that there was a brief time where I watched the toe placement of the person ahead of me and behind me at the grocery store to ensure they were standing on the 6 foot marker. 

I’m certain I was not alone in swiveling my head around at the slightest sound of a cough or sneeze in the very early weeks of the pandemic. 

I followed the established public safety protocols and committed (and recommitted) to the following for my overall physical wellness:

A regular exercise routine, largely in groups on Zoom, with each of us taking our turn to lead. 

A relaxing sleep routine, including reducing blue light and increasing red-light therapy during the evenings. 

As many Zoom meetings as possible on my cell phone while walking around my neighborhood. 

Occasional, socially-distanced time outdoors with a very small pod of longtime friends.

Looking Beyond the Pandemic

The economy is now fully reopened in California, yielding an opportunity to slowly get back to more of the things that we value and people we love. I’m already feeling an increase in anxiety as we add more and more activities to our family schedule, balanced with gratitude and hope as we forge ahead.

And while by no means are we out of this thing yet, I’m eager to begin healing from some of the more challenging parts of the pandemic: The toll of uncertainty, apprehension and seclusion on our mental health, financial insecurities, feelings of impending loss and actual loss of our loved ones, and the dis-ease from the racial unrest of this time are amongst a few of them.

There are also some things I want to call in more of as we cautiously move into and navigate recovery:

• More attention, love and action with regard to racial and social justice issues

• A willingness to find joy in the simplest things

• More date nights on the patio

• Grace

• More meaningful time with family

• Permission to be imperfect and human

• More focus inward on self-care and a greater commitment to and understanding of the need for community care.

But as much as I want to turn the page and move on from this extended chapter completely, the impact of the pandemic will remain with me for some time. I’m still processing it all and we are still learning the impact and the direction of this virus. 

I can’t be certain of what’s ahead, I am sure that self-awareness and boundaries will continue to be a part of my journey. 

I refined specific boundaries to endure the most challenging moments of the pandemic; I will need to reevaluate them, once again, to ensure that I am living and working in a way that is sustainable for me as we continue to navigate the changing definition of normal. Some of this will be proactive reflection on my part, with other adjustments coming up as the need arises.

During the pandemic I have been reminded that setting boundaries isn’t always easy and often doesn’t come naturally. Guilt and discomfort sometimes accompany taking better care of myself. But boundaries are a necessary part of our regular lives; during stressful times even more so. 

Boundaries aren’t just about limiting things, they also allow us to be intentional about enhancing areas of our lives.

If you’re old enough to read this blog you know that there are cycles to life. New seasons will come. A new stressor will be revealed. And in those new seasons sometimes our former way of thinking, caring and loving ourselves begins to feel incongruent, or outdated. Gently inquire “what is it that I need right now?” and do what you can to create that for yourself. Be willing to try new things; revisit old things. Trust yourself. And offer yourself grace and compassion through the uncertainty. 

Boundaries aren’t the solution to everything but they are at the foundation of just about everything. 

I’m a boundaries educator, life and health coach. But that doesn’t make me immune to running into boundary challenges from time to time. It simply calls me to respond to them, and I hold myself accountable to that. 

I’ve got just one life.

I have just one house (mind + body). 

I am doing my best to honor them in all things. 

In peace, health, and community.

Dr. Erin

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